It started little early but I knew it little late. Never could i understand that it was more than sadness.
Depression? You must have heard of it, didn't you? It is a dark rainy cloud always stay in on top of you and you can never stay happy because you have the miserably feeling.
Even after she told me, she did her best to hide from me. I could never understand her. Once she showed me her fingers with scars, I was so much scared and the thoughts which crossed my mind made me so sad. I though how hard, how sad and how much pain does a person have to bear to take a blade and cut into her skin? I could never imagine how hard it was for her.
My life was full of late night calls. I felt that she was literally dying on the other side. I felt helpless and I never knew what to say. Those nights if I would even sleep, than I would wake up in the middle of the night, being scared and a fear of loosing her forever.
We spent days in phone calls and text and she crying Her eyes out, swollen n paining. It took me Alot Alot to understand her, feel her and to stand where she was standing. I did say all the right things to make her feel better but nothing seemed to work either.
Later on, she started taking medicines to fall asleep and to escape the reality but the reality that she thought kept on eating her from the inside.
Later then, I decided to take all her issues onto myself as my own issue and my own problems. I literally felt so much helpless and sad. I have even spend nights where I felt I would loose her and cried myself out. I felt like my best was not even good enough. I worried second and every day, hence I felt like I live for her and her soul looked for peace.
Then I realised I couldn't fix her. There was nothing In my power to fix someone with issue that go so much deep in mind.
Her own image was trying to take her life. All the little issues and insecurities breaking her down and taking her own life. No matter what I did or what I said, nothing seemed to help.
Fixing depression was not my share but I never left her side and decided this to be my best decision of my life and stay with her. I always tried helping by listening to her, trying to understand her little by little and most importantly not giving up on her. There were even times even when I had to leave in the middle of the talk and backup so that she could not break her with emotions and anger. It was hard on deciding so but had no other option.
I understood that there was a huge gap in the level of understanding between her n mine. I could never help her like the way she wanted me to help her.
Never expect someone with such condition to ask for help by themselves. How can one who is ready to take a blade and cut herself have the courage to face others and ask for help.
Every year we consider October as the month of depression awareness month but actually how many have we found and cured? One cannot simply cure depression unless proper support n care is given.
We need to understand them, they didn't enter this phase with a choice to. They did because they had no other choice and no control over it.
Bikash Nirola
